He sounded so excited when he left me the message. "A poem you submitted is being published in some book," he said. "Call me back as SOON as you get this." I waited a few minutes, trying to figure out what poem I wrote that could possibly be being published. Besides some poems I drove myself crazy over in college writing courses, most of my poetry was written for personal reasons and weren't shared beyond family and some friends. Then I remembered, one slow Sunday afternoon--in one of my fits of futility and "life's getting nowhere" mentalities--I submitted one of my college poems to a free online contest. I called my husband back.
Apparently, not only had my poem made it into a new poetry compilation that was to come out this year, but it also made me eligible as a semi-finalist for a contest with a hefty prize. I was in--and I was giddy with excitement. The more I read though, the more I felt like I was simply being prodded to buy this "book" my poem was to be published in. After reaffirming my suspicions on several sites online, I shredded the letter. My husband stared. I just shook my head.
A scam, a trap, a pretty lie to lure in people who are so obsessed with their own self-realized 'talent' that they can't see--that according to this company--everyone is really a poet just like them. Everyone's poem makes it into the book. Everyone is a semi-finalist. Everyone is equal. Isn't that how we want the world to be?
Crushing the shredded pieces with my foot into the bottom of the trash can, I couldn't help being a little disappointed. I wanted someone to like what I wrote. I wanted someone to approve of my worth as a writer without having to face them in person. I wanted my poem to be the one entry they couldn't stop reading. But a fake approval was worse than a rejection. I felt mocked--like I was being dumped into a cell full of people who spit out lines murdered by incessant rhyming.
More than ever, I want to be different. I want to be a semi-finalist, but not in a contest where everyone wins. I've never been big into winning--probably because I haven't been known to win at much, but I do want to know that I can excel at something. And in this world, we have to be told we excel--us telling ourselves just isn't good enough. I'm not sure it even always matters to us who tells us, as long as we consider them to be a good source. Just today, a mother of one of my students stopped me in the lobby and told me that we were doing something right because her son's language had improved more in a few weeks at our school than in two years in public school. I walked away feeling great. Another "A." Another good note. Another award. I was doing my job and I was doing it well. I had to be because a parent told me her child was doing better. Then I started thinking about how much the parent works with her son, how much the child was improving just by socializing with our other students. I was one factor in his improvement, but I didn't deserve an award--not by a long shot. I had snatched up the comment just like I had snatched the envelope off the kitchen counter. I had been sniffing around for approval all day--and there it was.
We can't all get the approval we need from others. Sometimes we may not even deserve it and other times, we may just need to realize that our own approval is just as good--or better. Nothing feels worse than fake commendation--especially if at first, you genuinely believed it.
I need to be the writer and teacher I know I can be and be proud of myself for always putting the best parts of myself into everything I do. It's dangerous to depend on what others say, especially when it stops mattering who's saying it, and only matters that something good is being said. If I can keep an ongoing contest with myself, constantly making myself work harder to rise above the writer and teacher I was the day before, at least I'll know that I'm always getting an honest critique. I'll know who I'm being measured up against and most of all, I'll know my reasons for signing myself up. I don't want to be in a shabby contest everyone wins and I don't need to sit around waiting for someone to recognize that I may need the boost of a little recognition. Our own lives can be contests, daily entries that sometimes feel like wins, sometimes like losses, but always like a lesson worth listening to.
